Sunday, October 30, 2011

Metallica does "Lulu"

The "Pandora's Box" Lulu, not the saccharine songstress from the 70's.

Metallica and Lou Reed got together to record a concept album based on the Lulu plays. Sounds awesome, right?

Unfortunately, wrong. It's shit. It's worse than shit--it's really bad shit. Monotone, meandering muttering from Reed accompanied by sloppy, anemic, directionless musical accompaniment by the merest shell of the band who performed such masterpieces as "Master of Puppets" and "Ride The Lightning"--or even "Load" and "Reload".

Frank Wedekind is the only person who comes out well from this, since the lucky bastard is dead and not thus not forced to witness this abomination based on his work. What the poor sod ever did to deserve this pathetic sodomizing of his life's work is beyond me.

On the plus side for Metallica, thanks to "Lulu", "St Anger" is no longer the steamiest heap of shit in their career--that's a comfort, I guess.

An Open Letter To Lars

Before you start your pre-emptive whining:  fans and critics are NOT  trashing you "because we cut our hair", "because they can't cope with change", "because they can't understand what we're doing" or whatever  self-delusional, bullshit excuse you come up with this time to dismiss the inevitable landslide of negative feedback for your latest release "Lulu".

They are criticizing you because you have offered up yet another steaming heap of shit masquerading as "art".  Time to pull on some big-boy pants and accept the truth--people are tired of you sitting around luxuriating in the aroma of your own farts while insulting and belittling the fans who still care enough about your music to be honest with you about how you've managed to piss away a legitmate musical legacy on a succession of insipid, self-absorbed albums that fans can easily spot for what they are--token efforts from a band that just isn't trying anymore.

Take a moment, actually LISTEN to what you recorded 30 years ago and try to understand why it connected with people.  Then listen to what you've been recording for the past decade and try and figure out where you guys lost the thread.  Oh, and you might want to take all that creative energy that you put into inventing excuses about how your fans are too stupid and vulgar to understand just how brilliant your recent albums have been, and rechannel it into writing music that doesn't suck sweaty donkey balls.  Just a thought.

Lulu doesn't have to be the nail in Metallica's coffin, but I swear if I hear yet more of your simpering bullshit blaming US (the fans) for the failure of YOUR crappy albums, then the best of luck to you and I hope you find the fans you think you want, because I will no longer be among them

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