Alpine Fault - Iraena's Ashes (2011)

This is the year I intend to be good and keep up with finding and reviewing new music, and what better way to start with one of the best bands I've heard in a long while.  Alpine Fault is from New Zealand (a first for me) and their debut album, Iraena's Ashes, is a concept album inspired by the true story of the mysterious disappearance of Iraena Asher.

Now, I'm a sucker for real life mysteries, and when I checked out the band's website and read the background of the album, I started digging into the Asher case (how many truly educational metal albums have you heard lately), and while knowing the story is not necessary to appreciate the CD, it really does enhance the themes of loss and melancholia that weave throughout both music and lyrics.

Musically, they cover a lot of ground. There's shades of Fates Warning and Dream Theater in there (it especially evokes similar imagery to the "Scenes from a memory" release), and just enough Opeth to provide contrast.  In less capable hands, the violin playing could have become a gimmick, but the band integrates it so well that it just seems...right.  One talented violinist achieves more than an entire phalanx of synthesizers.

While Nadia Vanek's vocals are near perfect, the big surprise is Ant Royle (guitars and vocals), who has a great voice himself--plaintive without over-emoting.  Together they manage to wring every drop of pathos from the music.  The guitar work is stunning--as complex as you'd expect from a prog-metal band, but as with the violin there's no sense of flashy gimmicks.

Top it off with some amazing cover art, courtesy of  Lady Symphonia, and a kick-ass first video directed by Adrian Pagano, and it's really, really hard to believe that this is a debut effort.  If there was any justice in this world, Alpine Fault would be huge.

Here's the video for "I'll See You Soon", a wise choice for the band to introduce themselves with.

Metallica does "Lulu"

The "Pandora's Box" Lulu, not the saccharine songstress from the 70's.

Metallica and Lou Reed got together to record a concept album based on the Lulu plays. Sounds awesome, right?

Unfortunately, wrong. It's shit. It's worse than shit--it's really bad shit. Monotone, meandering muttering from Reed accompanied by sloppy, anemic, directionless musical accompaniment by the merest shell of the band who performed such masterpieces as "Master of Puppets" and "Ride The Lightning"--or even "Load" and "Reload".

Frank Wedekind is the only person who comes out well from this, since the lucky bastard is dead and not thus not forced to witness this abomination based on his work. What the poor sod ever did to deserve this pathetic sodomizing of his life's work is beyond me.

On the plus side for Metallica, thanks to "Lulu", "St Anger" is no longer the steamiest heap of shit in their career--that's a comfort, I guess.



An Open Letter To Lars

Before you start your pre-emptive whining:  fans and critics are NOT  trashing you "because we cut our hair", "because they can't cope with change", "because they can't understand what we're doing" or whatever  self-delusional, bullshit excuse you come up with this time to dismiss the inevitable landslide of negative feedback for your latest release "Lulu".

They are criticizing you because you have offered up yet another steaming heap of shit masquerading as "art".  Time to pull on some big-boy pants and accept the truth--people are tired of you sitting around luxuriating in the aroma of your own farts while insulting and belittling the fans who still care enough about your music to be honest with you about how you've managed to piss away a legitmate musical legacy on a succession of insipid, self-absorbed albums that fans can easily spot for what they are--token efforts from a band that just isn't trying anymore.

Take a moment, actually LISTEN to what you recorded 30 years ago and try to understand why it connected with people.  Then listen to what you've been recording for the past decade and try and figure out where you guys lost the thread.  Oh, and you might want to take all that creative energy that you put into inventing excuses about how your fans are too stupid and vulgar to understand just how brilliant your recent albums have been, and rechannel it into writing music that doesn't suck sweaty donkey balls.  Just a thought.

Lulu doesn't have to be the nail in Metallica's coffin, but I swear if I hear yet more of your simpering bullshit blaming US (the fans) for the failure of YOUR crappy albums, then the best of luck to you and I hope you find the fans you think you want, because I will no longer be among them

Review: The Shadowless Sword (2005)

The Shadowless Sword is a bit of a conundrum.  It has ever appearance of being a classic wuxia film.  A historical epic taken from Chinese history.  Lots of action and swordplay.  Heroes and villians with skills bordering on magic, and at the heart of it all a tragic love story.  So imagine my surprise to find out that despite all this (and being filmed in China to boot), this is actually a Korean movie.  Perhaps this is more common than I thought, but I must say the Koreans did a damned fine job  on this one.

Based on the struggle between the Balhae and Khitan kingdoms in the 10th century, the story concerns the efforts of  Yeon Soha  to bring Prince Jeonghyun back from exile to re-establish the kingdom of Balhae.  Now a petty criminal, Prince Jeonghyun  is the last remaining member of the Royal Family to escape assassination by the notorious Killer Blade Army.  While the Killer Blade Army is working for the Khitan, it's leader has a much more personal grudge against the Royal Family, which sets him at odds with his employers, who wish to use Jeonghyun as a puppet king.

Intrigue and history aside, the movie is a classic quest tale, with  Jeonghjyun and Yeon Soha's journey from exile to the headquarters of the Balhae forces mirroring an internal journey from vagabond to king, and from antogonistic strangers to lovers, all the while fighting, evading and/or fleeing from the Killer Blade Army.

This movie rocks for to major reasons.  Number one is that it looks amazing!  The scenery, the sets, the costumes and the actors are all a treat to watch.  I'm guessing that this morning probably cost a fraction of  a comparable American epic would cost, and yet you could put this side by side with any one of them without shame.  Seriously, it looks that good.  The second reason is that the action is brilliant.  Sure, there's the obligatory wire-work, and sure, there's times when it all becomes a little implausible, but even those moments are done with such conviction and style that they actually work.  The centrepiece fight scenes take place between Yeon Soha and Mae Yung-ok (the second in command of the Killer Blade Army), and they are almost hypnotic to watch--a combination of kung-fu, swordplay, and ballet.

The climax manages to evoke both tragedy and pathos, without straying into maudlin.  More Hero than House Of Flying Daggers, and very satisfying within the story.  If you think that the wuxia genre in the west peaked with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, then you need to see this movie.  Seriously.  See it.

Review: Dead Snow

I have a confession to make--I'm not a big fan of zombie flicks.  There are exceptions, of course--Versus and Junk are two of my favourites, and of course Shaun Of The Dead is a classic, but overall I think post Romero zombie flickds tend to be formuliac to the point of tedium.  So even before I hit play, Norwegian zombie opus "Dead Snow" (Dod Sno) was at a disadvantage.  A couple of hours later the movie ends and I'm kind of ambivalent about the results.  On the plus side, it had pretty likable characters, good pacing, passably stomach-turning special effects and a decent soundtrack.  On the down side, there were huge plot holes, and unoriginal (if competent) plot, and for a movie billed as a horror-comedy*, virtually no laughs.

Heres the plot in a nutshell:  A group of students head to an isolated cabin in the mountains for a weekend of skiiing, drinking and general carrying on. A crusty old man shows up unannounced to convey the story of WW2 horrors and an evil "presence" before heading back to his tent to get slaughtered by undead nazi soldiers. While one of the students heads off to search for his girlfriend (who was making her own way to the cabin but was sidetracked by becoming lunch for the zombies).  While he's gone, the others find a box of WW2 loot hidden under the floorboard.  Unlike the audience (who likely figured it out after about 30 seconds), the students are oblivious that their find will summon legions of dead to the cabin.  After the first attack they decide to split up (of course) and try and find help.  Meanwhile the boyfriend finds the old codger's corpse, the secret lair of the zombies and his girlfriend's head in quick succession before heading back to join the fight.

That's enough to give you an idea--you can probably guess the rest by piecing together every zombie movie cliche ever committed to film.  Like I said, it's not a bad film, nor is it a great film.  If you're a zombie fan, you'll likely find it a worthy addition to the canon.  If you aren't, it's not going to change your mind.  Might make a decent double feature with the underappreciated "The Bunker" if you want to invite a bunch of friends over for pizza and beer

Bottom line:  Better than I thought it would be, not quite as good as I'd hoped it would be.

Film Review: Shaolin Girl (Shôrin shôjo)

dir. Katsuyuki Motohiro (2008)

Shaolin Girl is a bit of an enigma. It's really two (maybe two and a bit) movies spliced together. Fair enough, except that the Western equivalent would be The Bad News Bears spliced together with The Matrix (with a bit of A League Of Their Own tossed in at the end).

The plot is paper thin: Rin, a young woman recently completing 9 years of training at the iconic Shaolin Temple, returns to Japan to spread Shaolin through her grandfather's dojo. Arriving in town, she finds her Grandfather's dojo derelict and her former teacher cooking at the local noodle house. No one will tell her what happened to the Dojo, so she moves into the ruins anyway.

Hooking up with MinMin, Rin visits the local university, where there's something very, very sinister happening with the girls lacrosse team (we're never told what—I mean never, it's never explained at all. Ever. Oh and it involves the beach volleyball team—do I smell sequel?). Rin joins the lacrosse team in order to recruit them into learning Shaolin. The Teacher takes time out from his noodle-slinging to sign on as coach. This part of the flick is firmly in the “Bad News Bears” territory—talented but awkward outsider tries to prove herself, fails miserably because she doesn't understand the importance of teamwork and must earn back the respect of her team mates. It's nicely done, with the required elements: The flash of self-realization, the long training montages (particularly well done), the gradually winning over and bonding with team mates, the awkward yet arousing scenes of sexual awakening (okay, I lied about the last part.) .

Then the script takes a wild, spiraling dive into complete whatthefuckery. It turns out that Rin is the illegitimate love child of Luke Skywalker and Bruce Lee—she was sent away to Shaolin to teach her to control the awesome power that churns within her. Apparently this dark power will only be released if she fights (so of course sending her to the most famous martial arts school in history is the perfect way to head that off), and for some reason that is never fully explained the Director of the University wants to battle it out with her. Next follows kidnapping, arson, ambushes, massive free-for-all melee complete with comic relief, and more special effects than you can shake your nunchuks at. Despite the whirlwind of improbabilities and implausibilities, it works. The special effects look great, the fights, while not stunning in their originality, are competent, and the final confrontation (while a little long) is very satisfying.

Almost as an afterthought, the authors suddenly remember that this is supposed to be a lacrosse movie, so the team crams an entire season of games during the credits. This isn't a criticism, as the montage was nicely done. Basically, the filmmakers started with such a wide net, this movie could (and often did) go anywhere, and no one choice was better or worse than any other potential choice. Personally, I would have preferred that the filmmakers either a). stayed with the lacrosse story throughout the movie, or b) used the lacrosse story just long enough to provide a framework for the more revenge-oriented action plot.

Please don't think that because I pointed out this movie's (many) flaws that I didn't enjoy it, because I did.  It's not a bad movie by any means, but it could have been a great one. Still, there are worse ways to kill a couple of hours, and I don't' doubt that I'll watch Shaolin Girl again in the future.

The Libertine

The Libertine stars Johnny Depp as 17th poet, playwright and all-round reprobate John Wilmot, better known as the Earl of Rochester. Played with a wonderful combination of exuberance and despair by Johnny Depp, Wilmot opens the film with a prologue during which he declares "You will not like me". And he's right.

John Wilmot is portrayed as the 17th Century version of a self-absorbed rock star. Self-indulgent, self-absorbed, self-loathing, with emphasis on the "self". Talented but lazy, intelligent but crude, lionized yet isolated, Depp portrays the dissipated Wilmot like a spoiled rock star in the mold of Axl Rose or Nikki Sixx--an out of control Bad Boy whom no one has told to grow up. As Wilmot's looks and health succumb to the ravages of syphilis, he increasingly resembles Freddy Mercury in his final days.

The movie is not perfect, by any means. It suffers from a certain air of "staginess" and the script occasionally loses focus, resulting in periods that are bordering on tedious. Less emphasis on Wilmot's relationship with actress Elizabeth Barrie and more on that with King Charles II (wonderfully played by John Malkovich) would have improve the plot considerably. Many of the supporting characters are flat and lifeless, and there is no real antagonist to the story.

Reactions to the movie show that there is no middle ground. You will love it, or you will loathe it. Of the negative reviews I've read on Amazon, about 70% seem to be from women who picked up the movie solely because Johnny Depp was in it, and were disappointed to find such a dark and depressing story. Another 20% were from people who objected to the vulgarity of the movie (making me wonder what the hell they were expecting of a movie called "The Libertine"), with the remaining 10% of viewers who knew what they were getting into, and sincerely gave the movie a chance.

Perhaps it's best to think of The Libertine as a very, very dark counterpoint to Shakespeare in Love, a movie that it very much resembles in many ways. Don't let that mislead you into thinking that this is a feel-good movie, however, because that is one thing that it most definitely is not.

Chanbara Beauty: The Movie

Before I start, I should mention that I’ve never even heard of, let alone played, the videogame that this movie is based on. On the whole, I doubt it makes much difference, but I’m willing to concede that some of the niggling little complaints I may have about Chanbara Beauty might stem from the original source material. Caveat delivered. On with the show…

What can you say about a movie that is stuffed to the seams with zombies; a bikini-clad assassin with a sword; a leather clad biker babe with a gun; zombies; an evil, sword-wielding hench-girl in school uniform; buckets of blood and gore, zombies; a sadistic mad scientist bent on world domination; and zombies?

Did I mention zombies? And we aren't talking about yer flaccid, shuffling western zombies either. These bastards can move...

It’s the near future, and science has created a process by which the dead return to life as flesh eating zombies (why this is desirable process is never explained, natch). Aya (a young assassin who for some reason has adopted the costume of a red bikini complimented by a white feather boa and cowboy hat) is searching for her younger sister, who has thrown in with the evil scientist. She and her sidekick team up with Reiko, the aforementioned biker-babe who is seeking revenge on the scientist. The fat, jovial sidekick is also seeking his younger sister, kidnapped by the same evil scientist. The plot is pretty much by the numbers—get to the scientist’s hideout, slaughter their way through the zombies, and kill the madman, followed by the final confrontation between the sisters.



Perhaps not surprisingly, the movie works best when it’s in non-stop action mode. On the rare occasions when it pauses for exposition or “character development”, the movie seems very forced and awkward, but once the zombies appear and the severed limbs start flying, hold on to your popcorn! The back story of the Aya and her sister is told adequately through flashbacks, but doesn’t really add anything to the story except provide an excuse for their final showdown.

The showdown takes up the final 15 minutes, and while it starts out fine, it quickly lapses into the two girls grimacing at each other and screaming “Aaaaiieeeee!” while colourful special effects swirl around them. I’m sure this is where the movie is most influenced by it’s original source, and certainly the special effects are pretty to look at, but 15 minutes of it is frankly too long.

That being said, Chanbara Beauty provides enough thrills and eye-candy to pass a pleasantly mindless hour and a half or so.